Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things for humans to do. The negative emotions of pain, resentment, grief, anger, disillusionment, and betrayal are a few of the feelings that consume us when we are confronted with the person and / or situation that we can not forgive. Unforgiveness consumes every area of our life, eating away at us, making us bitter, cynical, mistrusting and hard. Unforgiveness can also manifest itself as disease in the body. When you hold unforgiveness you give your power away to the other person or situation. What many do not understand is that forgiving is for you not the other person or situation. Forgiveness is not saying what you did is ok, but rather forgiveness is saying, I know longer allow you to control my life. You are free and I am free. I’m going to give you a couple of examples of forgiveness… From age eight to twelve an uncle abused me. The day he left I was so thankful because I believed the horror was over. Little did I realize the impact the situation had on me. The nightmares began, I developed a major case of Dandruff due to stress, I became more and more introverted, withdrawn and I gained weight. For two decades I protected my uncle by keeping the secret, all the while living in a continual loop of drama that was created by not allowing forgiveness. When you ask for help … help comes. I had the privilege of being selected for a group of adult survivors of childhood abuse. On the second session someone in the group asked what was the purpose of the group. The question was poised to everyone. My mouth began to speak before my brain knew what was happening. The analogy was put forth that each of us was like a house. In our early years we build the foundation and as the years pass we built onto the foundation. Under normal circumstances the house would be build strong and sturdy but when your foundation is cracked and misaligned what you end up with is a house that is shaky and unbalanced. So what we are doing here is tearing down our house right to the core and rebuilding a strong and structurally sound foundation. The leaders of the group were so impressed they used my analogy throughout the whole ten weeks. It was in week eight that I decided I was going to confront my uncle. As we stood face to face I asked my uncle why. Why did you do those things to me as a child. His answer was, because that was where I was. Standing there just looking at him I felt a feeling of pity for him. I forgive you was my verbal response. He held out his hand and at first I thought to myself, no way I’m letting you touch me but instinctively I knew that was the ultimate sign of forgiveness. As I took his hand something powerful happened. I flew into his arms and the two of us stood in an embrace, crying. From depths deep within me I felt a stirring. As this feeling rose I intuitively saw a huge, ugly, black mass of goo. Up, up it came and left out the top of my head. The feeling of lightness, the ability to float came over me. The tears subsided and freedom cocooned me. I was free. Free of my uncle, free of the chains that bound us together, free to move forward and live my life, my way. My second story is about my dad. It was Christmas of 2002. As customary everyone gathered at my parents home and as usual dad was his normal self which consisted of an afternoon and evening of put-downs and jabs about how disappointed he was in how we turned out. As I was sitting at the dinner table I tuned it out and found myself wondering what life would be like without him in it. The truth was, after forty nine years of listening to him I was sick and tired of the critical remarks. Just once in my life it would have been heaven to hear him tell me I did good, words I knew I would never hear. It was at the dinner table that I decided I had, had enough! After dinner was cleaned up and everyone was deciding to go their separate ways I said good-bye to everyone, walked out the door and never looked back. Three months before my dad died my sister convinced me to come back to the family. During those years away I came to the knowledge that my dad was who he was. That criticizing him didn’t make me a better person or improve his disposition. That the person who gives you the most grief on this side, is your bestest friend on the other side. In spite of his harsh tones and his biting jabs he actually thought he was bestowing his wisdom upon you. But it was the knowledge, “He did the best he could do with what he knew and understood.” that allowed me to soften towards him and ultimately forgive him. In the end I told dad I forgave him and also that I forgave myself for my part in it all. In my mind, no human is perfect however, when you learn more and implement your new found knowledge you become a better person. We all have had our cross to bear, forgiveness is our saving grace. As already stated, forgiveness is not saying what you did is ok, but rather forgiveness is saying, I know longer allow you to control my life. You are free and I am free. If at all possible I urge you to spread your wings and forgive the people in your life that have hurt you, and forgive yourself if only for the fact you have been hanging on to it for so long. Free yourself and live happy. Have a Fabulous Weekend